in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Krampus.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”