Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
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Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
sensitive skin
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.