The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
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Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Safety first
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]