Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
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VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Ape together strong
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
my dad when a sex scene comes on