I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
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*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Canada has crack?
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water