When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
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And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed