Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
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inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
thank god
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.