Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
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Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
This will teach them to underestimate me
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
File under excellent bookstore names.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*