Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
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Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
HELP 😭
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
How actors in movies eat their food
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?