An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
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Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.