ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
You Might Also Like
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam