If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
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She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.