[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
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DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.