Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
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[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
How is it still this week?
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
2005 Single
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2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I hate my earbuds.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.