Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
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Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Pretty much! 😂👀
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
“just sayin” who asked you though?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
idk what this dog had been going through but same
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her