I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
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Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
oh you wanna fight?!
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.