cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
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Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other