PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
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20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract