The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
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We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
honestly, i need both:
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am