Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
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I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Why is this me 😫
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.