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Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*