At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
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Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what