So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
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The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Jogging has never helped my memory.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.