Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
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Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”