If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
You Might Also Like
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!