It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
You Might Also Like
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.