there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
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“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!