overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
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You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Put my back out twerking in the library again
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart