I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
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Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
it was a valiant fight
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be