I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
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celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”