[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
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IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Maths meets science
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
asked my bf how work was today
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god