Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
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We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop