Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
You Might Also Like
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.