Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
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Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.