My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
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Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
when you order from DoorDastardly
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”