[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
You Might Also Like
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…