The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
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My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.