“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
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I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.