Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
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I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Woke up against my better judgment again
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer