What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
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8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?