The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
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I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit