I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
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If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
The struggle is real.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
I hope it’s French Onion!
no regrets
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want