Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
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Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.