If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
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Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out