Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
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If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Doug is just Canadian for dog
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.