phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
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Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor