GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
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wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I have a new favorite meme page
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
peak technology
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.