Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
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I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings