Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
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[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.