My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
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Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
🖤✌🏽
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*